HOW YOUR FEAR OF INTIMACY KILLS YOUR RELATIONSHIP
How heavenly would it be to just get fucked silly. No boundaries. No shame. No guilt. No shields.
How wonderful would it be to be held tight, to be spooned and still be breathing. In fact, breathing in the skin to skin contact through every pore.
How would it feel to just …… enjoy blissfully and complete…
Or do you freeze when you get close to your partner, however subtle?
Do you start to completely trip, throw him/her out and shut yourself away for days or months? At the drop of a dime?
Do you find it hard to receive your partner fully?
To cum endlessly?
If fear of intimacy has been gnawing at you for ages, I invite you to begin your very own healing. At the end of this article you find your first exercise. It will give you insights, a deep understanding for WHO YOU ARE and what it means to have shields. Is it painful? Yes, it is. Welcome! And….you’re welcome! :)
It happened to me, my shield. From one moment to the next I shut my partner out of my life. There was no contact of any kind for several days. And I was fine, cold blooded, but fine. Until my shield melted away again and I felt something inside. In an instant I began to miss him. Badly. What the fuck have I done? Yes, we’re together now, although it’s a challenge to proof to myself that I can do without the pain of abandoning him when my shields are triggered, like a bug running into a spider’s web. A few days later a most unusual visitor showed up by my bedside – a big blurry “daylusion” black widow. Okay…..I felt I was going insane. What was that all that about? When I told David about it he asked me to draw my spider with my left hand. Easy! “Probably some archetypal thing.” , he typed into Skype chat.
Of course! Why didn’t I think of this…
Hastily I went through my Jungian psychology archive, gawd, what was it again with the black widow……black widow……..black widow…
There she was.
After pondering over it, it was time to work with her.
I have this thing inside of me and it’s somehow connected to my meltdown and me being unable to feel anything at all.
It must have been her, now that she shows up during day time!
Yep, she was still sitting there.
She’s my responsibility.
And this is our journey to healing.
I recall, for the past few days, a black widow sitting by my bed, her behind towards me, waiting for my consent to ‘spin me up’. I declined. She was huge, the size of a handball, very blurry, as day visions or dreams are, and just sitting there, waiting. “It will be for your protection”, she said. God, I was disgusted. And yes, I wanted that protection from a huge poisonous spider……wait….
Something wasn’t quite right.
Half awake I see a huge widow sitting by my bed, ready to entwine in her web.
Why THE FUCK should I say yes to this?
Because it’s in my head?
Fuck that shit!
I forwarded her every move down to her intention. I felt the web, warm and cosy and ……. restricting. That’s a trap, not a protection. So I took a good look at her again, sitting there all blurry with her black fat body and something red on her back. It didn’t matter. She’s of the widow family. OUT!
Once out of my front door I told her “Stay there and watch. Good doggy. And no touching the kids.”
From time to time she sits by my bed, whenever I’m about to get up. But I don’t even pay much attention to her any longer. Okay, she sits there. When I get pissed I’ll let it out on the widow.
I’m kicking a big spider hallucination out of my apartment!
Welcome to the house of crazies where everything is possible.
Grab some popcorn and have a seat.
Or better yet – GET INVOLVED and dance with your shadows. Or have them stand watch! Who says they can’t work FOR you.
Well, now that the widow is out of the house…
…I’LL LET YOU IN…
…on what I learned in Jungian psychology about the archetype of the black widow. The widow is one of the sociopathic archetypes. She’s just like the siren, a female equivalent of the vampire. She has an outer black shiny velvety shell and an emotionless core. The widow as the siren use their charms to lure you in. Once entrenched, she’ll put you in a deep sleep, the sleep of helpless admiration and love. Jungian describes it “as poisoning her victim and then devour them. When she’s done she’ll move on to the next. Her appetite is insatiable. Everything about her is a lie, even her incredibly good looks. She is often revealed to be an ugly beast underneath her beautiful facade.” Well, there you have it.
So when you find yourself in a relationship and have the urge to be a victim of her charms, you’re perfect for her. Unless you want to heal that black hole inside of you that feeds of the power/dependency gap. Or when she feels the only way to feel love is to drain the life out of you, when you feel tired around her after a while, when you’re constantly exhausted it’s a bad sign.
I remember when my mother used to be like an ice block. I took that on. In tough situations I turned off emotions and had “this impenetrable wall”, as my sister puts it.
David has helped me to get on top of that, mainly because he couldn’t stand not being able to be close to me when he wanted to penetrate me, even when speaking to me. And this plays a huge role in our long distance relationship.
BUT THERE ARE TIMES WHEN THE IRON ARMOR COMES OUT.
In this case it was when I woke up a few weeks ago, when all of those memories came crashing down and I had not prepared for it. Heavy re-traumatisation happened here. From one second to the next I shut down. Spaceship – power off. It took me DAYS to feel anything at all again. Sure, everything was easy, because I felt nothing. I could just move on with my business and I got a lot done in that time. Then when my emotions resurfaced I found my creativity again. Began to write again. Started a new line of recording audio versions of my articles… Then I found myself missing David dearly, when the wall lifted and I was accessible again, vulnerable.
RECOGNISING THE MANY FACETS OF THE INTERNAL SHADOW…
…is the most important work in this. Cos….there’s always more. It’s no fun to know being a sociopath of some sort, but it’s better to know it and to work with it instead of this shadow in me leaking out in desolating ways. Or getting triggered like this again. I also find, by recognising it, by seeing the way this shadow works, by forwarding the outcome of your decisions in your mind, you already feel what that’s like to embrace or to decline that part of you.
God, I sound like I know what I’m talking about. But all I know right now is about these internal experiences I had and what it feels like to do it this way or that way. Which I found eye opening and empowering in many ways. Yes, it’s still tiring to watch myself all the time, to pay attention to every thought and every emotion. At this point I consider myself an apprentice in healing my sexual trauma, the neglect I experienced, the life threats, the post traumatic decisions I made…
Since everyone has a different experience with their own shadows, how they came into existence and how they act, what their essence is, I can’t make assumptions about anything. Sure, I obsessed over Jungian psychology. But everyone has their very own flavour and mix of insanity coming to play. But I do know the intense emotions that come with having this shadow crawling in your skull. Or your chest. Or between your legs. Or at your bedside.
YOUR ASSIGNMENT (01):
Look inside and search for the pain that sits inside of you.
Find the beast. And have a conversation.
Why are you here?
Where will we go from here?
Will I decide?
Well……. will you?
When you have found your very own truth, your beast, come back and share what you found.
We’d love to get to know you, intimately.
With all that you are.
With all that you discover.
WORK WITH US
If you want to explore your own shadow, David & I will hold the space for you, guide you with questions that will help you to find your own answers and your own voice by deciding which you want to embrace and which you want to either ignore or give other tasks to take care of FOR you. It’s important practicing to open up when you’re shut down. But not with your partner. If you do this too many times they get fed up with the drama of your emotional ups and downs. This is what we do. We hold the space for you.
If you know that we’re the ones to help you to start your journey of healing and being able to create bone deep intimacy with your partner
contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
or David at email@example.com
and review our coaching packages. We’ll discuss which one is best for you to get you to where you want to be.
Go ahead. Contact us.
We’re looking forward to work with you.
David & Diana
Forge Deeply Intimate Relationships
With Your Darkest Emotions In Play.