FEAR OF INTIMACY
How heavenly would it be to just get fucked silly. No boundaries. No shame. No guilt. No shields.
How wonderful would it be to be held tight, to be spooned and still be breathing. In fact, breathing in the skin to skin contact through every pore.
How would it feel to just …… enjoy blissfully and complete…
Or do you freeze when you get close to your partner, however subtle?
Do you start to completely trip, throw him/her out and shut yourself away for days or months? At the drop of a dime?
Do you find it hard to receive your partner fully?
To express yourself with integrity?
To cum endlessly?
If fear of intimacy has been gnawing at you for ages, I invite you to begin your very own healing. At the end of this article you find your first exercise. It will give you insights, a deep understanding for WHO YOU ARE and what it means to have shields.
It happened to me, my shield. From one moment to the next I shut my partner out of my life. There was no contact of any kind for several days. And I was fine, cold blooded, but fine. Until my shield melted away again and I felt something inside. In an instant I began to miss him. Badly. What the fuck have I done? Yes, we’re together now, although it’s a challenge to proof to myself that I can do without the pain of abandoning him when my shields are triggered, like a bug running into a spider’s web. A few days later a most unusual visitor showed up by my bedside – a big blurry “daylusion” black widow. Okay…..I felt I was going insane. What was that all that about? When I told David about it he asked me to draw my spider with my left hand. Easy! “Probably some archetypal thing.” , he typed into Skype chat.
Of course! Why didn’t I think of this…
Hastily I went through my Jungian psychology archive, gawd, what was it again with the black widow……black widow……..black widow…
There she was.
After pondering over it, it was time to work with her.
I have this thing inside of me and it’s somehow connected to my meltdown and me being unable to feel anything at all.
It must have been her, now that she shows up.
Yep, she was still sitting there. Eye-gazing me.
I needed to know more.
At this point I wasn’t sure if she was one of my shadows or another being from another realm, or something. I’m usually friendly to every creature until they prove themselves either foes or idiots.
So, for the past few days, a black widow was sitting by my bed, her behind towards me, waiting for my consent to have her wrap me into her net. I declined. She was huge, the size of a handball, very blurry, as day visions or dreams are, and just sitting there, waiting. “It will be for your protection”, she said. God, I was disgusted. And intrigued. And yes, I wanted that protection from a huge poisonous spider……wait….
Something wasn’t quite right. What did I feel so ambiguous about?
I forwarded her every move down to her intention. I felt the web, warm and cosy and ……. restricting. That’s a trap, not a protection. Or was I just afraid? Yes. Certainly yes. So I took a good look at her again, sitting there all blurry with her black fat body and something red on her back. It didn’t matter. She’s of the widow family. I wanted her out of my vision. And also, she might be my shadow, so why would she entrap me? For protection, she said. That felt truthful. And yet it was uncomfortable. I watched her, what she does, her energy, to get a read on her. It’s not the same with her as with my dragon. I was in awe and afraid of my dragon, of the power of destruction that is lurking within my soul. With the widow, I was disgusted and afraid. Widows have a terrible bite, death is just around the corner. I can’t just hug the beast and integrate her, become her, like I did with my dragon. I was repelled, didn’t want to be her. And then, I still wasn’t sure if she even was a part of me, although I felt very certain. We had many conversations since our first conscious encounter. It took me a few weeks to even be able to hug her, even though it was hard for me to incorporate her like this. Or to slip into her body and type from this point of view, although it was very interesting. A new way of feeling my keyboard and my emotions in general. Like another existence. A very powerful one. I remember sitting at my desk, slipping into her form, feeling the ease of movement, no fear. Yes, I still felt my disgust (Oh no, I’m a huge widow), but once I let it fall away and simply felt into this shadow, it felt very powerful.
At one time she alarmed me by rattling on the net she had spun throughout my being and I wondered, not being aware that it was her, for several hours, why I was so nervous and on edge. After those hours I dug in and sat with myself, calling her up and she showed me that there was something very unsettling on the internet, that I couldn’t grasp with my consciousness just yet. She did though.
Another time I noticed that something wasn’t right. When I plunged into myself, I noticed her legs up in the left corner of my eyes, moving wildly to warn me. The net was trembling but I needed a more acute alarm to become aware of the threat. Since then, my widow is an integral part of me. I’m grateful to have such a powerful beast in my arsenal. And then, one day, she shrunk to the size of a normal widow. Now she’s there, crawling along the walls of who I am, across dragons and sirens, vampires and horror clowns. Over earth goddess and sea lion, pixie and a magical wand. I listen when she warns me and in return I love her. Hugs are a rare occurrence and right now she seems content that I’m aware that she’s my early warning system for influences that are truly dangerous to my psychological health. If psychological health is even possible in this system we created, social norms and disempowering laws, that restrict our freedom to be who we are, to even think for ourselves. But that’s another topic in itself.
There’s still a fear of letting a man in too deep. Of surrendering too much to him. Of losing myself in the midst of lust and love. That’s when she also tries to interfere. That’s when she puts all kinds of terrible thoughts in my mind, how he will come up with ways to hurt me, how much he doesn’t care. In moments like these my body tenses, my mind runs in weird spirals, trying to make sense of it. My stories make sense. Just not with his behaviour. Nor what I truly know as fact. Nor his internal wirings and abouts. So, she rattles the net and gets me all weird. Often it’s a false alarm. So I really have to go into myself and ask myself the tough questions.
What about this triggers me?
Is this story around my trigger true?
Is it true in this situation?
What other meaning could this have?
And while all of this sounds quite insane, everyone has them – those shadows. They don’t have to look like mine, or even incorporate an image. Whatever they look or feel like, they are parts of you that run the show underground. The aspects of you that you don’t like about yourself, that you don’t want to see. Those parts of you that you shun, so you can believe that you’re not ‘that’. And while you imprison parts of you that you deem undesirable, other parts disappear along with them. Putting away aggression can also mean that you don’t know how to uphold boundaries. When you hide sadness you might lose empathy for others. Tucking away pride can leave you without the drive to get something done or to know your self worth.
Shadow work is meant to make you feel at ease with all that you are, not to get rid of a shadow. Which, at this point, doesn’t seem to be possible. Or perhaps I haven’t gotten to that point yet. But I also see shadow as an integral part of sexual attraction and play. When I permit my shadow to play, suddenly sexual attraction is amplified. Just like that. Without it, without the knife or the flame or the poison, the uncertainty, the unknown, the game of seduction becomes safe play. Without the thrill of potential danger. And therefore it turns into a thing of companionship and friendship, of safety. So, at this point of my development I don’t believe that shadow can nor should be eradicated. Not in me, not in you. It’s essential to our survival, even the survival of our very species.
The Shadow Archetype of the Black widow
The widow is one of the sociopathic archetypes. She’s just like the siren, a female equivalent of the vampire. She has an outer black shiny velvety shell and an emotionless core. The widow as the siren use their charms to lure you in. Once entrenched, she’ll put you in a deep sleep, the sleep of helpless admiration and love. Jungian describes it “as poisoning her victim and then devour them. When she’s done she’ll move on to the next. Her appetite is insatiable. Everything about her is a lie, even her incredibly good looks. She is often revealed to be an ugly beast underneath her beautiful facade.” I know her as my warning system, my protection, my sly handed or witty mouthed murderess, because she uses language to kill. She’s most triggered by those, who, themselves, carry some form of poison within them. She detects and either paralyzes or infuses them while trigger them back in a way that might just be the end of them. Truthfully speaking, yet very aware of the command of (body) language she possesses as well as the overt lies she tells to create tension.
So when you find yourself in a relationship and have the urge to be a victim of her charms, you’re just perfect for her. Unless you want to heal that black hole inside of you that feeds of the power/dependency gap. Or when she feels the only way to feel love is to drain the life out of you, when you feel tired around her after a while, when you’re constantly exhausted, it’s a bad sign.
I remember when my mother used to be like an ice block. Actually, she was holding space. But I took on the ice. In tough situations I turned off emotions and had “this impenetrable wall”, as my sister puts it.
My partner has helped me to get on top of that, mainly because he couldn’t stand me being a tough ass when he wanted to penetrate me, even when speaking to me. And this plays a huge role in our relationship, in any intimate relationship. A man doesn’t enjoy ramming his cock against a brick wall. No. He wants and desires softness, vulnerability, openness, trust.
In this case it was when I woke up a few weeks ago, when all of those memories came crashing down and I had not prepared for it. Heavy re-traumatisation happened here. From one second to the next I shut down. Spaceship – power off. It took me DAYS to feel anything at all again. Sure, everything was easy, because I felt nothing. I could just move on with my business and I got a lot done in that time. Then when my emotions resurfaced I found my creativity again. Began to write again. Started a new line of recording audio versions of my articles… Then I found myself missing HIM dearly, when the wall lifted and I was accessible again, vulnerable.
RECOGNISING THE MANY FACETS OF THE SHADOW…
…is the most important work in this. Cos….there’s always more. It’s no fun to know being a sociopath of some sort, but it’s better to know it and to work with it instead of this shadow in me leaking out in desolating ways. Or getting triggered without having any kind of control, not even the one to stay. I also find, by recognising it, by seeing the way this shadow works, by forwarding the outcome of your decisions in your mind, you already sense what it’s like to embrace that part of you. Somewhere deep down you already know that this shadow is not only a bringer of darkness. No. It is the key to some of your most precious and valuable aspects of your personality.
God, I sound like I know what I’m talking about. But all I know right now is about these internal experiences I had and what it feels like to do it this way or that way. Which I found eye opening and empowering in many ways. Yes, it’s still tiring to watch myself all the time, to pay attention to every thought and every emotion. At this point I consider myself an apprentice in healing my sexual trauma, the neglect I experienced, the life threats, the post traumatic decisions I made…
Since everyone has a different experience with their own shadows, how they came into existence and how they act, what their essence is, I can’t make assumptions about anything. Sure, I obsessed over Jungian psychology. But everyone has their very own flavour and mix of insanity come into play when it comes to shadows. But I do know the intense emotions that come with having this shadow crawling in your skull. Or your chest. Or between your legs. Or at your bedside.
Challenging your shadow can be a fun thing, but most times it is hard work. Possibly the hardest work you’ll ever do.
YOUR ASSIGNMENT (01):
Look inside and search for the emotion, the voice, the image.
Locate where it sits in your body, the density, colour, sound, movement and scent.
Connect to the shadow that’s connected to the pain and have a conversation.
Your shadow might try to mislead you. You do that to protect yourself from further pain.
But in this interrogation it is paramount to ask the uncomfortable questions.
It’s the only way to truly reclaim power over your emotions, your thoughts, your actions.
And mostly, the intimacy with yourself.
Developing integrity depends on you to do it because of who you truly are.
Not the masks you wear.
Not the lies you tell yourself.
And sub consequently to others.
This is about you.
All of you.
Go with the flow and feel free to ask anything. ANYTHING.
Your experience with shadow will most likely have a different flavour, a scent, a sound. The stepping-into-shadow-land, the descend into your abyss, can feel entirely different from what you perceived from the description of my encounter with shadow. Also, your journey down might not have the same results and conclusions as mine. Your monsters will most likely look different, if there are any.
Things to do before you get started:
Please turn off your gadgets, phones, tablets, mute desktops and any other thing that can disturb you while you’re in shadow-time. Invite your spirit guardians or any power you believe in, to your soul search and ask them to protect you during your descend into your underworld so you’ll be protected from outer energies and entities. This ritual gives you psychic protection, to protect the space in terms of space and time and intention, as well as protect the sacredness of your journey and to insure that you can interact with your shadow interruption-free.
- What is the form of this thought/feeling pattern?
- How do I truly feel when you come up?
- Is it his shadow based on any assumptions about me?
- Why do I think this thought-pattern is true?
- Why do I hold on to it?
- Do I have any underlying motivations here that I’m not facing?
- Am I repressing this feeling? Am I denying it or projecting it onto others?
- Why do I resist this shadow?
- Is it related to an idealized self-image, a way I would like to be or people have told me I should be?
- Is it related to a self-image I’m trying to avoid, a way I would not want others to see me?
- How does this thought-pattern affect how I behave, think, feel?
- Does it limit me in some way? What would life be like if I didn’t hold on to this thought pattern?
- How did I develop this shadow? Did it have any roots in any of my past experiences or things people have told me?
- Did I learn this pattern? How?
When you get more practice with what’s inside and have integrated this part of you, of accepting, of BEING your shadow, that’s when you’ve gained a fair amount of control. Things from here will become a bit less frightening, a bit less intimidating, because you know what to do and how to do it.
With all that you are.
With all that you discover.